horoscopes
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You’ll soon learn, the hard way, that a rabid wolf won’t stop attacking just because you’re crying at it.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
The stars think you should have turned right at those stoplights back there, but they haven’t been here in, like, seven years.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
A helpful hint to ease your paranoia, Gemini: when a phone is wire-tapped, it makes a barely audible click which sounds similar to many normal household noises.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
This week, try focusing more on improving yourself through thoughtful contemplation and physical exercise and less on senseless murder.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
I sure hope you didn’t listen to your horoscope last week, Leo. At the end, it was supposed to say, "...but only if you want to lose control of your bladder."
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
For the last time, Virgo, butterscotch pudding is not just butter and scotch.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You may not accomplish all your goals this week, Libra, but you’ll certainly stub your toe trying.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will regret having friends who take everything literally after you suggest going out and getting "hammered."
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
On Thursday, Mars will enter the house of Aries after passing through the big dipper, which means dick all.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You will abandon your longstanding plan to write a novel after reading the dictionary’s surprising and disappointing definition of the word "write".
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Remember when you promised God that if you got better, you’d start going to church? And then you got better but still didn’t go to church? Watch out this week, cause God came by, asking if anyone’s seen you. And he was carrying a crowbar.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
The stars are saying, "Quick! Look behind you!!" ...Now they’re laughing.
You’ll soon learn, the hard way, that a rabid wolf won’t stop attacking just because you’re crying at it.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
The stars think you should have turned right at those stoplights back there, but they haven’t been here in, like, seven years.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
A helpful hint to ease your paranoia, Gemini: when a phone is wire-tapped, it makes a barely audible click which sounds similar to many normal household noises.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
This week, try focusing more on improving yourself through thoughtful contemplation and physical exercise and less on senseless murder.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
I sure hope you didn’t listen to your horoscope last week, Leo. At the end, it was supposed to say, "...but only if you want to lose control of your bladder."
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
For the last time, Virgo, butterscotch pudding is not just butter and scotch.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You may not accomplish all your goals this week, Libra, but you’ll certainly stub your toe trying.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will regret having friends who take everything literally after you suggest going out and getting "hammered."
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
On Thursday, Mars will enter the house of Aries after passing through the big dipper, which means dick all.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You will abandon your longstanding plan to write a novel after reading the dictionary’s surprising and disappointing definition of the word "write".
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Remember when you promised God that if you got better, you’d start going to church? And then you got better but still didn’t go to church? Watch out this week, cause God came by, asking if anyone’s seen you. And he was carrying a crowbar.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
The stars are saying, "Quick! Look behind you!!" ...Now they’re laughing.
